Foreseen and Unforeseen Events

Life is unpredictable! I never would have guessed 6 months ago that I would be on the program at stake conference! I didn't anticipate being in the emergency room either, but I once again found myself there. I'm a planner and volleyball, camping, a piano recital, kid updates, and general conference have been on my calendar for awhile. So has my couples trip with Andrew! A trip to Texas this month wasn't on my radar either but I'm thrilled to be going.

Stake Conference

I got asked to speak in the adult session of Stake Conference which was a real dream come true for me. Said no one ever. My topic was missionary work and I'm glad the talk is behind me. I had a really neat experience in the temple as I was seeking guidance for my talk. I felt inspired to change the whole thing. I later learned the speaker after me and the stake president's talk were on "love, share, and invite" which was my original talk. I've never had such clear direction and it was neat to see why I felt so strongly to change it. My parent's treated us to dinner before stake conference at Mi Ranchito which was generous. Jessica came to hear me speak too but left before we took the picture. My grandparents were also there which was so sweet! I have the best family!

Saturday, September 20

Volleyball

I've been anxiously awaiting the day James can play volleyball and that day has come. Our local rec center offers volleyball starting in 3rd grade. The beginning of the season was was painful. The first game was a big letdown. The kids played 3 sets. Nobody returned a serve. Not joking. It was just a game of serving. As the season progressed, things thankfully improved. There's still plenty of room for growth and I look forward to more rallies!

James can serve it deep and he is able to bump the ball back. He was disappointed to hear that volleyball is ending this week (some of us have been counting down). His pal and close friend Taft was on his team which meant for a good time. He also knew a couple others from school. James' coaches weren't very experienced which made things tricky.

Piano Recital

James started piano lessons in June. He takes from Sandra Peterson who lives on our street and is in our ward. Her husband is the stake patriarch. She is phenomenal! She has multiple master's degrees in piano performance and man can she play. I feel lucky that James gets to take from her and better yet he gets to bike there. James is a big fan of playing the piano and we actually have to tell him to stop practicing because it starts to get old 4+ times a day... So sweet of Grandma Langlois to come support James.

Saturday, September 13

Father Kid Campout

This year the annual father kid campout was near Kamas. This is a beloved event for our older children. They were bummed Penelope didn't join them, but maybe she'll be ready for a future campout. James and Isabelle enjoyed s'mores and staying up late. They also learned some valuable lessons that boys only learn camping I guess...

Friday, September 12

Kid update

Penelope: Loves daycare and asks to go to "school" everyday. She goes part time-- every other day. Her teacher says she's a spitfire which is no surprise to us. I guess Penelope asked to come in from the playground and have chocolate.

Isabelle: Outgrew her violin! Time to size up! I got to sub Isabelle's 1st grade class and it was so fun. She gave me giant hugs throughout the school day and told me it was one of the best days this year! It was so cute. I hope she loves me like this forever. I have not been loving subbing but the extra income is needed/nice. Kids can be pretty terrible for subs.

Wednesday, October 1

James: Got an expander! He will be getting braces soon. Poor guy inherited some of my bad bite/teeth genes, but we're getting it taken care of. And no, he didn't get glasses. The orthodontist had him wear those for eye protection. He doesn't complain when we crank his expander which has been unexpected and great.

Thursday, September 18

General Conference

We attended the Saturday afternoon session of general conference. My parent's got great tickets on the ground floor! They only got 4 tickets but fortunately my SIL was able to get some for Andrew and Chris too (on a balcony.) Apparently it was the second most rainy day in SL history. We got 2.37 inches of rain that day. It was a long, cold, and wet walk to the car! The messages were so uplifting and the choir was phenomenal. The next morning, I woke up with one of the songs the choir sang in my head. We kept with tradition and ate cinnamon rolls and lots of other superb food for conference. I loved so many talks and am eager for them to come out. They helped give me peace and hope as I am going through something difficult. President Eyring's talk about being proven struck me and was just what I needed to hear.

Saturday, October 4

Andrew with his brother Logan, Julia, and Hyrum

Loss

I had another miscarriage. While substitute teaching a rotten class, I felt a big gush. I went to the bathroom expecting to see blood but instead saw clear discharge. After messaging my doctor, she told me to head to the hospital. I had to finish subbing first which wasn't easy. I tried my best to hold it together but was on the brink of tears. Luckily it was a short day, so the students got out at 12:30. I quickly dropped our neighbor off at his house and rushed to pick up my grocery order before heading to the hospital. 

Turns out the bug gush was amniotic fluid. After some blood work testing my HCG levels and 2 of the longest ultrasounds (a regular and vaginal ultrasound) of my life, I learned that I was pregnant with TWINS. Neither had a heartbeat. I sobbed. 

I was nearly 11 weeks pregnant and almost ready to share my happy news. I guess one twin stopped growing around 9 weeks and the other around 8 weeks although the doctor suspects their heartbeats stopped around the same time. I didn't think to ask for a picture of my babies and deeply regret that. I still have the ultrasound pic from my last miscarriage. The ER was actually really funny about my ultrasounds in general and recently changed their hospital policy so they didn't show me anything during the ultrasound or say anything. I never got to see my babies. No, I wasn't "clogging up the ER to see pictures of my baby" but apparently lots of people do that. I had a regular ultrasound and appointment scheduled for today. 

There were some very kind healthcare workers. Several cried with me. My mom was there with me when I got the news. Andrew was with the kids at parent teacher conferences but came to the hospital later. Silver lining-- I got to miss conferences which aren't my favorite!

I spent 9.5 hrs at the hospital and had a d&c. The doctor on call ended up being the same doctor who delivered Penelope which was a huge blessing. I like Dr. Burgett. My family made sure everything at home went smoothly and got Isabelle to dance, picked up dinner, got the kids in bed, etc. So grateful. Everything is all so fresh and I'm still processing this devastating news. My ER trip happened on Thursday, October 2. I went to the hospital at 1:15pm and finally got home around 10:45pm. This time around, my kids know about the miscarriage and have had questions. "Penny would have loved to have 2 playmates." They have been very sweet and pray for me. I don't know that I ever want to put myself through this again.

Naming children has always been stressful for me. I usually spend months agonizing. This pregnancy, we were pretty decided and had one girl name and one boy name picked out. The girl name starts with the letter J and the boy name the letter L. I guess we would have needed 2 names. I was due in April close to my mother in law's birthday which she would be thrilled about. Though twins usually come early so I doubt they would have shared a birthday.

I opted not to have my picture taken in the ER with tear stains/makeup on my face and dried blood up and down my legs. I have been so well taken care of and loved. It has been overwhelming. Our fridge is bursting with food. There have been so many tender mercies throughout this hard experience. One of them being that my mom had randomly cancelled her BYU class on Friday. She was free to take my kids as I was resting. My kids said it best when they said: "Wow mom, you're going to have a lot of thank-you cards to write." Feels like everything about my life is different/changed now. The grief/sadness comes in waves.

Vacation

Andrew and I booked a kid-free trip to South Carolina months ago using Andrew's vacation fund from work. We leave this week and the timing aligned nicely. Having a distraction and a way to leave behind this upsetting loss is perfect. We haven't left our kids overnight in over 3 years! So grateful my parent's are watching them! 

Andrew and I had planned on taking a picture together on the beach holding my ultrasound to announce my pregnancy but sadly that won't be happening anymore. Neither of us have been to South Carolina and it has been on our bucket list. We're really looking forward to it.

Fall break is coming up later this month which means no school for a week. I'm taking James and Isabelle to Texas for Esther's baptism. They are giddy to get to ride on an airplane and see their cousins! I am already stretching my belly to make room for all the BBQ food.

My baby Penelope turns 2 this week and I'm crushed. How can this be?? If there's one thing my grief has taught me it's to love the kids I've got because getting them here hasn't been easy for me. I'm going to focus on the 3 wonderful kids here with me instead of the 3 in heaven. Thank you Taylor Swift for dropping your new album this weekend. Her peppy and poppy clean version has been on repeat. Stay tuned for pictures of the birthday girl and our trips!