Emergency Room

This summer has been difficult. I recently told my sister, "Heavenly Father must think I can handle a lot because it's been one thing after another." My strain of bad luck was kickstarted when I got Covid-19 for the second time this year (Just to be clear-- I am fully vaccinated and boosted). This led me to miss out on time with my parents. I also was quite sick at times. After recovering from Covid, I had to say farewell to my parents for 3 years. That wasn't easy. The icing on the cake was heading to what I thought was a routine pregnancy appointment on Thursday, June 30 only to find out that my baby had no heartbeat.

I happened to be alone at this doctor's appointment. I have gone to several OB appointments on my own and have never had a problem. Well, I definitely regret that decision.

At my appointment, I was 10 weeks along or so I thought. Before seeing the doctor, I was scheduled to have an ultrasound. Right off the bat, I could tell something was wrong. The ultrasound tech asked if there was any chance that my last period date could be wrong and that the baby was measuring smaller than 10 weeks along. I was certain when my last period was and had been tracking it. I could tell things were off when the ultrasound tech said she would need to do a vaginal ultrasound to get a better read. I never had a vaginal ultrasound with either of my kids.

After telling me to empty my bladder, the ultrasound technician took her time before returning to the room. I was worried and I had reason to be. During the vaginal ultrasound, the tech didn't mention a baby which was odd. Then, the doctor came in. I don't recall ever having my doctor in the ultrasound room with me. She informed me that the baby had no heartbeat and that I was experiencing a miscarriage. I guess the ultrasound technician isn't allowed to tell me this news, hence the waiting. 

I was in shock. I had had some minor spotting, but it wasn't much and after reading up on the internet I thought I was ok. I guess spotting can be fairly common if you've had multiple kids. Lesson learned-- go in with even the slightest hint of blood. I didn't expect to be bombarded with all sorts of questions immediately following this devastating news and broke down when asked, "Was this a planned pregnancy?" Yes, it was.

Based on the size of the fetus, the doctor and ultrasound technician believe the heartbeat stopped at around 8 weeks. I learned from the doctor that having Covid-19 does increase your chance of miscarrying and I had Covid-19 at around 8 weeks. Even though there's no way of knowing if COVID-19 is what caused the miscarriage, it was still hard to swallow. 

While I was at my appointment, the doctor examined me to see if she could see any of the baby tissue coming out yet. She didn't see much, so I wasn't sure how long it would be before I started heavy bleeding. After the appointment, I was continuously spotting/bleeding lightly. This provided a constant reminder of what I was going through and made me anxious. I wanted to be able to get through our planned 4th of July hike and the bbq I was hosting. I kept busy over the weekend with the aquarium, the Riverton carnival, church, the holiday, and more. It helped me to think about other things.

Dr. Peacock gave me 3 options for how to move forward and take care of the baby/tissue. 1) Have a D&C. 2) Take medication that causes the baby to come out within a couple of hours. 3) Wait and let the miscarriage happen naturally. If only I hadn't been alone. I had no idea what to do and ended up leaving the doctor's office thinking maybe I'd try the medication. 

Jill babysat my kids during the appointment. When I returned home, Jessica had also come over. They had a treat waiting which was so thoughtful. I had been craving Olive Garden, so my sisters and I headed there to help soothe my troubled soul. 

By the time Friday morning rolled around, I had decided I just wanted to have a D&C and get it over with. I fasted all morning because I thought I was having the procedure. Too many people were in labor, so they weren't able to get me in. One of the hardest parts of this whole thing was waiting around for such a terrible thing to finally happen.

I was able to go hiking and host the bbq on the 4th as planned. After everyone left, my bleeding and cramping picked up. I thought the miscarriage had passed. I wasn't able to get ahold of my doctor's office (which was a problem throughout this process). I was scheduled to have a D+C on the morning of Tuesday, July 5. I called and talked to a labor and delivery nurse at the hospital. After our conversation, she seemed to think I'd passed the miscarriage too. I canceled the D+C. Tuesday morning, Andrew went to work like normal and I took the kids to swimming lessons. In the afternoon, I started having heavy cramping again and then started bleeding excessively. It was intense. The doctor told me to go in if I leaked through a pad in a half hour to an hour. I was bleeding through pads in 20 minutes or less. It was scary! I had never seen such large blood clumps before.

I bled through several pairs of pants and underwear. I left my mark on both my chairs in the ER, even after just changing a pad. Every time I stood up, there was a huge gush. What a mess. I ended up having a D+C in the ER to get the remaining sack out. I wish I hadn't canceled my scheduled D+C that morning, but I truly thought it was over. Lesson learned. It put my mind at ease knowing that no more intense bleeding would happen.

When we returned home from the ER around 10:15pm on Tuesday, July 5, my sisters had pizza waiting on our doorstep. I was so hungry after having to fast for the procedure. My sisters helped feed and watch our kids too.

Throughout this traumatic experience, I can't deny god's hand. No, he didn't stop the miscarriage from happening, but boy do I wish that could have happened. He sent angels into my life to help me get through it. Here are some of the tender mercies I saw during this time:

• One of my mom's best friends showed up on my doorstep with a present for me. It was a book called, "Tear Soup." This is a beautiful book about pain and loss and it made Andrew and I cry. I can't say enough about how well-written and spot-on it was. I plan to buy this book in the future for anyone dealing with loss. It describes the process perfectly. My mom's friend also brought a treat and books for my kids. She gave me a big hug. Having this miscarriage right after my parents left was not easy timing. It meant a lot to me that Holly Holmes (someone from my home ward growing up) showed up.
• My sisters had my favorite order from Cold Stone waiting for me when I returned home from my doctor's appointment. Peanut Butter Cup Perfection. (Obviously changing ou the gross chocolate ice cream.) Yum. 
• My sisters treated me to dinner at Olive Garden to help distract me. They remembered I'd mentioned I had been craving Olive Garden. The "Tour of Italy" was delectable. 
• A neighbor came by with homemade rolls and wrote a sweet note about a miscarriage she had dealt with. (Her husband is an ER doctor and I ended up having to call him to see if I should head to the hospital.)
• My grandma brought us dinner.
• My SIL sent us "The Pie" pizza.
• My parents ordered us cookies.
• A friend mailed a beautiful, heartfelt card.
• A SIL was a good listener and called to chat with me on the phone.
• Our close friends had Crumbl delivered. I may have found my favorite cookie from there--a cinnamon swirl one.
• Earlier that week, my sister bought me 2 books. I was able to finish one while in the ER and it was the perfect escape from my reality. Check out "Nora Goes Off Scipt"
• My other sister gave us a doordash gift card.

In time, I've learned to cope with this reality. I had a miscarriage. I'm no longer having a child in January, as we anticipated. Seeing friends announce babies due around that time breaks my heart a little. Going to church has been more painful than I expected. Probably because we sit by the sister we minister and I hold/care for her tiny newborn. The grief/loss/pain comes and goes in waves. Yes, I started tearing up my first week back at high fitness. I couldn't give it my all and had to modify and skip the burpees which was just another reminder of the difficult month it has been. The ongoing bleeding was just another visual of this scarring experience. I'm trying to block out the memory I have of me trying to explain at the ER check-in desk why I was there. I was sobbing while saying I was having a miscarriage. It's all so fresh. In time, things are getting easier. Glad to say goodbye to July.